There is something beautiful in every act of helping. When someone seeks help, it is important to act in a way that fosters healthy relationships. By putting yourself in the role of a rescuer, you take part in a toxic rescue mission.
What is your reaction when someone comes to you with a problem to solve?
Do you feel happy that someone trusts you enough to share it with you, and you want to help and perhaps give advice?
Another option is irritation, because you’ve been hearing the same story for months and the person close to you does nothing about it. You either keep listening or set boundaries, having decided that you are no longer open to it.
If it does not violate your boundaries and you feel you want to help, the best solution is to:
- Listen empathetically
- Believe that the person is capable of solving the problem
- Accept them as they are, with their emotions in that moment
- Ask if they need your perspective/advice or if you can be of help
You should not:
- Judge
- Criticize
- Produce ready-made solutions (unless the person explicitly asks for them)
You don’t have to understand — you probably can’t — but you can still empathize and offer support. To truly understand, you would have to actually be that person.
It’s worth observing your own body and mind’s reactions while listening to other people’s problems. Also, reflect on how it looks for you personally: what are your preferences toward the person you go to when you need to vent? Do you want to receive advice, or do you prefer when someone listens fully, tries to validate your feelings, and offers support? Perhaps you already have a therapist for that — and if so, I understand you go to them. In every act of helping, there is something beautiful. It’s important to know how to do it so that the relationship remains healthy (mature), not toxic, and does not turn into “rescuing.”
If deep down you feel the other person’s helplessness, know that they have the potential to find a solution. You can empathize, but if this is someone important to you, believe in that person and their potential. Even highlight and reinforce this by mentioning a situation in which they successfully coped in the past. Cheer them on in realizing their potential to resolve the current situation. Believe that — and if you feel you can offer advice, ask whether they would like to hear it.
The fact that you are a trusted person someone can turn to speaks well of you.
For anyone who wants to improve their skills in effective and empathetic communication, I recommend reading the book Nonviolent Communication by M. Rosenberg.